Gaurding Against Spirtual Stagnation

As Christians, spiritual stagnation can be one of our greatest and most dangerous enemies. Unfortunately, it can creep up on us before we know it. The familiar is comfortable and often appears to be more manageable. On the other hand, change, thinking our way through issues, learning to reform the questions that guide our spiritual lives, are all very important things that we can neglect to our own peril. 


I am reminded of the cliché: "no pain, no gain." Through exercise, we break down a muscle, the consequence of which is often soreness and discomfort. Over time, however, these muscles rebuild themselves and usually return bigger and stronger. Such is the process of growth.  This mixture of pain/gain is also applicable to our spiritual exercise and spiritual growth process as well.


Remaining with the metaphor, not all exercise is created equally. Some is better, safer, and more capable of doing what we need it to do than others. Over time, it is also important for one to change up the routine. Along our spiritual journey, we have to be careful not to always accept one set of answers as being the end all to all questions. If we are truly growing spiritually, our questions will naturally grow and change with us. Accepting one set of answers, regardless of where those answers fall on a particular spectrum (progressive, conservative, etc) can be dangerous. For instance (and to change the metaphor a bit), if medical science operated upon such misguided logic, we would still be blood-letting or some other primitive form of medical treatment instead of the more effective and modern techniques of today's medicine that prolong lives and has made the current state of our medical care better than it was, even 50 years ago. 


So, change is definitely good for us. Once again, however, as in the exercise metaphor above, not all change is created equal. I remember, years ago, when I began to question some of the sacred cows in my life, examining my theology; it was difficult, and at times, violent. In fact, it propelled me into a crisis of faith, the likes of which I have never experienced since (and am still recovering from), nor would I wish upon my worst enemy. I mean, I went to bed one night believing in God, woke up the next morning and wasn't so sure (not literally, but you get the point). And this called into question everything that I had hung my faith upon over the years. Sorting through all of this and finally returning, through it all, as a person faith (a miracle in its own rite!) was a 15 year journey; 15 years! Some of the most difficult times of my life were during those days!


I have recently been reading Becky Garrison's book entitled, Jesus Died for This? A Satirist's Search for the Risen Christ. In it, her spiritual mentor asks her some very interesting questions; questions that I think we'd all do well to think over and address. They make wonderful exercises in our effort to ward off spiritual stagnation. Here they are, slightly modified: 

• What are we looking for in church?
• How would we respond if our questions changed?
• Are we ready to be surprised by the answers? [p. 49]

I won't take the time to address each question individually. But, I think the second question, for me at least, is the most important. You see, it is very easy for me to adopt an elitist mentality, as if I have finally arrived at some enlightened frame of mind, no additional thinking necessary. While obviously misguided, it is just as easy for me to think that I now have all the questions down pat as it has always been. Obviously, this is just as false as it was the day I began this journey. To coddle this thinking is spiritual stagnation at its worse. 


Regardless of how enlightened I may feel, I can easily become stagnant. Learning in the faith should be an ongoing process. The more we learn, the more capable we are to learn. And, I can assure you that we will never exhaust the completeness of God. The author of Philippians, speaking of Jesus, said that all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge abide in Him (Col 2:1-3). We will never come to a place where we've arrived and have no need to ask more questions or seek better answers. 

Think about the above questions. Let them settle into your spirit. What are we looking for in church? How has this changed over time? How do you expect it to change? How different are your questions today compared to what they were just a year ago? Do you still struggle with the same answers? What would you do if you got an answer that didn't mesh well with your overall thinking right now? 

Let's never stop growing and searching for better answers and understanding!  

If Steve Jobs Read My Last Post, What Would He Say?

Death: is very likely the single best invention of life, says Steve Jobs in his 2005 address to the graduation class of Stanford University. 

I could not, in a million years, write a more appropriate follow up to my last post than what Steve Jobs did in this commencement address. This was a man who had obviously been greatly impacted by his own mortality. I guess this has resurfaced in light of his deteriorating health and his recent resignation as the CEO of Apple. I wish I would have heard this 12 years ago; the tools that he gives these graduates are pages pulled right from the note book of his own life. While not inherently religious, it is a speech that functions religiously, at least it has for me. Hopefully, it will for you as well! We only lose when we quit trying. I have today and hope for tomorrow, that I can make a difference in my life and the lives of others!

I will try and come back and add (below) some of the comments that spoke to my heart the most.

 

Crosses Hurt! Ask Me How I know...

Okay, a good Facebook friend of mine recently wrote a very difficult post and in it, he included the following quote by Fulton Ousler: 

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future.

I have to admit that I know absolutely nothing about Fulton Ousler. After googling the guy, I am rather ashamed that I don't. The link above will take you to the unadulterated infallible cloud inspired almighty Wikipedia, and it will give a glimpse into this man's life and the huge corpus of material he left behind. Since I've never read any of it, the only thing I can comment on is the quote above, left so graciously by my good friend, Chad Holtz. The statement really got into my soul! I mean, I read it weeks ago in the middle of a post where my friend was sharing his heart over something that was intensely personal, and I am sure, somewhat embarrassing for him as well. My heart was moved by his situation and I cried and prayed for him. And, I continue to do so today. But in the background, that quote kept ringing in my ears like church bells reverberating in a bell tower. And while I heard Oursler's words, I also heard my own voice screaming back at me in response, "that is you!!!" 

For 15+ years, I have suffered the regret of past failures. I was a young preacher who was in the right place but at the wrong time and for all the wrong reasons. I've lived with a sense of call from the age of 11. It was real, still is. But, it got messed up because of allot of family and self esteem issues. So, when I finally got to where I thought I was supposed to be, I screwed it all up. I was in a bad marriage with three children, I was barely 21 years of age with no real education or training behind me, and it was a recipe for disaster. It took over six years, but my utter defeat happened, and I have held my head in shame ever since. 

I have facebook friends who were colleagues of mine back in those days. Most of them avoid me like the plague. I think they befriended me out of some morbid curiosity. In all honestly, I despise them. They sat back and watched me burn. When it was all said and done, they no longer knew who I was; they had suddenly forgotten my phone number. Not a single one of them, from my best friend to my worst enemy, ever tried to help me. I was left out in the cold, alone, and hurting. So, yeah, I know a little bit about being crucified on the cross of regret. 

Fear of the future is another cross I am very familiar with. The only two things I've ever known how to do, is be a plumber and a preacher. When I got divorced and lost my church (not in that order), I just naturally went back to what I knew to do. I guess it was a bit like Peter going back to fishing after Jesus was buried. The best thing in town was gone and all he knew how to do was fish. I lost my access to do what I was called to do (mainly because I was in a very strict Pentecostal/Fundamentalist denomination where the stain of divorce ran red as crimson), so I grabbed my wrenches and I went back to working with pipe. 

But, I got hurt; fell down a flight of stairs, and to make a long story short, I still suffer extreme pain, have rod and screws in my spine, and I've lost the only other thing I ever knew to do, besides preach. That was 12 years ago; 12 LONG years! Since, I've dabbled with education, taken 75-80 credits of liberal arts classes, sort of aimlessly, and I've pondered the prospect of returning to the ministry in a mainline church where the idea of being divorced doesn't make me a huge liability. But, in the end, I've never really recovered. I have just hung on those two crosses and I know what it feels like when Psalmist cries:

I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted within my breast; my strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to my jaws; you lay me in the dust of death. [Psalms 22:14-15, ESV]

It is a horrible place to be! But, through all of this, I keep coming back to Jacob (I know, I'm all over the place with this. It gets worse!), that Old Testament patriarch. He always gets a bad rap because of his name and some bad choices, but he was a honorable man who worked hard for his family and his possessions. He's fleeing again, this time not really due to anything that he's done wrong per se. It is the Eve before he will lay eyes upon a brother that he screwed decades earlier. The failures of yesterday, and the fear of tomorrow is starring him directly in the face! You can read all about it in Genesis 31-33. It's an epic story, indeed. 

Jacob crosses the river for solitude and to no doubt, ponder the past as well as the future as it is set before him. This may well be his last night on earth. Esau could kill tomorrow. He probably should have. After all, Jacob had stolen from Esau his very birthright and taken from him the blessing of his beloved father. But in the midst of all this mental anguish, an Angel appears and they wrestle all night. I don't know, maybe the point of the whole thing was to simply get Jacob's mind off of all the "what if's" that were swirling around in his head. Regardless, in the end, Jacob prevails (which is quite impressive if you really think of it!), his name is changed from that of "heel grabber" to that of a victor. He's no longer a victim! He has striven with both God and man and prevailed! It cost him though. He was crippled from that day on, for the rest of his life. But, something tells me that Jacob hardly ever noticed. 

Those two crosses cast huge shadows in my life; I will not deny that. But, like Jacob, I am eying that stream. I am headed to the other side and if I have to wrestle God, then I will damn well fight, because I am so tired of the nails, the sweat and agony of defeat, my tongue stuck to the very roof of my mouth, taking away my voice. Jesus only had to hang there for six hours, give or take. I feel like I've been here my entire life. But, enough is enough, and the first step to recovery is to simply admit that you need help. And, Ousler has given voice to what I need to cry out like the blind beggar, sitting by the road to Jericho, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" (Luke 18:38) Get me off this cross!

A note to self: things to consider when looking for a Church

Church has been a sore spot in our immediate family over the past 10 years. It's definitely been the weakest link in our corporate journey of faith. We've attended some wonderful churches and some not so wonderful ones. Both my wife and I, before we met, had underwent some traumatic events that tore us away from the denominations that we were raised in; consequently, we were both sort of starting over trying to find another church/denomination to call home.

In retrospect, neither of us were ready to find a new church. The wounds we'd suffered from the places we were fleeing from were just too fresh. This created a tremendous lack of trust. We felt somewhat compelled to go to church because it was normal for us, and we had children that we really wanted to grow up in church as we had. Intellectually, we knew that church was a fundamental part the Christian faith: Christians attend church. It was as simple as that. 

Over the years, however, this endeavor has been a nightmare. It has, without a doubt, been the most challenging and unsuccessful thing we've attempted to do as a Christian family. As a result, our church attendance has been erratic at best. We've went long periods of time when we didn't go to church at all. There have been times when my wife and I attended separate churches, or where one of us went to church and the other stayed home. During all this, there's been a huge sense of dissatisfaction: both of us feeling the need to be in church together, as a family, realizing that the absence of a church where we both felt at home was unacceptable. 

After years of this sporadic church attendance, finally, in May of 2009, Shery and I made the commitment that our family would attend church together every Sunday. I can say, with subjective certainty, that we've lived up to that commitment. I mean, we've missed Sundays here and there, but as a whole, we've followed through with this commitment. Obviously, we didn't have a clue where we wanted to go, but we resolved the question of if we were going.

We began by attending churches that resembled, in terms of belief and worship styles, the respective denominations that we had each left prior to our marriage. It just appeared logical to go back to the beginning, the starting place. In a year's time, we visited four different churches like this, spending enough time at each church to determine whether we felt like it was where we belonged. None of these churches ultimately appealed to us but we did explore this area enough to realize that we were not the same people we had been years ago, and that we were no longer compatible with the beliefs, practices, and worship styles of these groups. So, it wasn't a total loss, but rather, a learning experience. We learned enough to realize that we were no longer tied to these groups and could move on with our lives with assurance, at least, that we did not belong there.

Finally, we returned to an United Methodist Church that we had attended briefly when we first moved into this area. Initially, we had stuck around long enough to transfer our membership (from another UMC church we attended in the town we had just moved from). While we did not stay long, both my wife and I had the utmost respect for the pastor, and we both were moved and touched by his ministry. I also considered him to be a very good friend and we shared allot of common interest intellectually.

Unfortunately, upon returning, we immediately discovered that he was several months away from departing. He was about to embark on a well deserved year long sabbatical after serving for more than 30 years. Since the UMC doesn't provide for year long sabbaticals, he had to resign his position at this church. We were very disappointed, but decided to hang out and see how the new pastor was. 

The time passed too quickly and before we knew it he was gone and the new pastor had arrived: this was almost a year ago. His successor was a female minister; incidentally, the church's first female senior pastor, and she is a wonderful minister indeed. She has a great ministry within the church and community, and God is using her in many wonderful ways. With that said, however, my wife and I have realized that our journey to find the church where we belong is not over.

We have enjoyed getting to know the new pastor and have been blessed by her ministry. But, the whole time we've been back, we've felt out of place. I don't think that it's any one's fault, I just think its because we've yet to find the place where God wants us. There are some wonderful people in this church and we've formed some bonds and relationships with people that we dearly love and appreciate. So, our decision is not something we've undertaken lightly.

Discussing this with my wife, we've come up with some things that we wish we would have considered before we embarked upon this journey. I think it certainly would have saved us allot of frustration. So, without dragging this post on any longer than it needs to be, I want to share with you something that we've entitled, "A note to self: things to consider when looking for a church." While I am sure many of these will appear simple and a product of common sense, unfortunately we did not considered many of these along the way, to our own detriment.

• The church that appears to be the most logical place is not always the most advantageous.where to attend church has been made with the possibility of returning in mind. Obviously, a church/denomination that refuses to ordain ministers because of divorce and remarriage would not be advantageous for me. But, this has limited God, in my opinion. If and when God wants me to return to ministry, it will not matter where we are or where we attend church. God will open the door for me. He needs my cooperation, but he doesn't need my help.

• Listen to God Obviously there are practical considerations every family needs to consider when attending a church for the first time. But, just because a church looks good and  has all the amenities that you think you might need, does not mean that it is where God wants you to be. And ultimately, this is what it's all about, right? Being at the right place at the right time is the most important thing to consider. And, the only way to ensure this is to listen to God and know that you are where He wants you to be. This is another area where I didn't follow well. I made the most rationale decision I could make. But, my rationale mind is not always compatible with God's will for my life. I have to learn to listen with my spiritual mind and do what God wants me to do, whether it appears to be rationale or not.

• Make church the priority it is meant to be. For a long time, we approached church as an accessory to our Christian journey. I'm not exactly sure how this happened either. Both my wife and I attended church basically our entire lives. It was all we ever knew. But somehow, during a time of crisis, church became the problem for us, rather than a particular place being part of a problem, if that makes sense. Consequently, we stopped seeing church as an irreducible part of our Christian walk. It was expendable, which meant we could go extended periods of time without fellowship and communion with other  believers. This was to our extreme detriment. I am sure that if we would have placed the church where God intends it to be, then we would not be sitting here looking back over ten years of failed church experiences.

• Be flexible and gracious! This is a challenge! Church is made up of people, and as such, is imperfect. Not every church is going to meet our every need all the time. Every thing within the church is not going to flow smoothly all the time either. You are not going to be appreciated by everyone equally, nor will you fit in with every group of the church. You have to have tolerance and be able to withstand some controversy. Obviously, if there is more controversy in a particular church for you then anything else, perhaps it's time to look elsewhere. But, even in the most ideal situations, where you seem to fit the best, there are going to be struggles and you have to be prepared to deal with them. Families struggle some times, we experience difficulties and growing pains, but when God has placed you in a church family and you know that you know that it is where He wants you, then you will be wiling to endure some difficulties for your ultimate good.

• Realize that there is virtue in sacrifice and compromise. This is especially important when families are looking for a church. Not everyone in your family will value the same things in the same order that you do. Not one single person's needs can be elevated above all others. The right church will have the right complements of ministry and service opportunities to best meet the needs of the entire family. For instance, Shery values the emotional qualities of a church more than I. She loves interactive worship, good music, etc. Me, I value quality Christian education and preaching/teaching that is stimulating and thought provoking. Over the years, in our search for a church, when one of us has had to do all the sacrificing, it didn't work well in the long term. So, finding a place that has the potential to meet the needs of all the family as a whole is important. On the other hand, no single church is going to be able to do this entirely. They may have excellent Christian education and mediocre music. Each person has to do his or her part in compromising for the good of the family. God will lead you to the right place, not necessarily the perfect place. 

• Lastly, always consider service a priority. What a church can do for you should not always be the prime consideration. We've been called to serve one another and to give of our time and resources for the benefit of the Kingdom. While we do go to church to be ministered too, we also should go there with an eye towards service. If a church is not open to ministry, both within and without its' four walls, then it may not be the right place for you. Liturgy means "the work of the people." We gather to worship, to receive a mandate, and we leave to serve. Does the church provide potential and opportunity for you and your family to engage in ministry to others? 

This certainly is not an exhaustive list of important considerations when searching for a church. I hope that you will participate in this discussion through comments to add things that I have not thought of. Next, my wife and I will put together a letter to our potential new church.

Liberal Fundamentalism

Last weekend I found out about a used book sale in a nearby town that was coming to a close. It had been going on for three days and by time I found out about it, it was almost over. I jumped in the van (with two of my lovely children in tow) and headed there promptly, not ever wanting to miss a good used book sale. My back was really bothering me when I left home but since books are one of my greatest passions, I pushed through the pain thinking that the benefit would far outweigh the discomfort.

When I finally arrived, I was pleasantly surprised. Even though I had never heard of it, the organization sponsoring the sale does this on an annual basis. I'm not sure how long they've been doing it but one thing is for sure, they knew exactly what they were doing and they had the largest stock of used books in one place that I've ever seen. I was like a kid in a candy store. In fact, the books were so cheap, that I was like a rich kid in a candy store with so many options that I hardly knew where to start. Time was not on my side, however, because my wife and children had made plans for the early afternoon and it was already almost lunch time. My family would have never forgiven me if I had blown them off and done what I wanted to do: rent a U-haul and tell them that I would take all the religion and philosophy books they had. I mean, they had more books in that genre than I've ever seen in one place!

Unfortunately, my back pain would not cooperate; this was definitely a case of the spirit being willing but the flesh was weak! The more I tried to concentrate on finding something of value, the more impatient I became because I was hurting. Next year, things will be different! I've already got it marked on my calendar with reminders scheduled to begin blowing the whistle 2 weeks in advance. I am serious about my books! 

Thankfully, I did manage to lay my hands on a few volumes that were of particular interest to me. When I went to pay for them, I was even more pleasantly surprised to find out that since it was the last day of the sale and I had come right before closing, they were selling everything at half price. So, I walked away with about 10 books for less than 10 bucks. While I was disappointed that I wasn't able to look at more of their stock because I lacked the time and was hurting so bad, I was nonetheless happy about the decisions I'd made. 

While driving home, however, I began to really think about how I had selected my books. As I said, there were so many to choose from and I blazed through them looking for favorite authors and certain titles, not wasting too much time in any one particular location. As I thought about some of the books I had passed over, I was reminded of something Tripp Fuller, of Homebrewed Christianity, had said in a podcast (Sex, Salvation, Scripture & the Slippery Slope: Parts 1 & 2) between himself and Rachel Held Evans. They were kind of discussing the conservative/liberal paradigm in Christianity and Tripp stated that there was something called "liberal fundamentalism." What? Surely not!

Now, I have to admit that I immediately disliked the inference. Fundamentalism is something I've tried to escape. To me, it embodies everything that is incompatible with the Christian faith: intolerance, closed mindedness, self-righteousness, bigotry, arrogance, discrimination, legalism, you name it. In my journey to be free from these fundamentalist defects, I've kind of naturally gravitated towards liberalism; or, for a more contemporary way of putting it, I've become more progressive in my religious thinking. As such, I'd like to think that I've laid aside allot of my previous prejudices and have become more tolerant and embracing of divergent viewpoints and ideas. I like to think of myself as enlightened and free from those negative influences that almost drove me away from God years ago. 

As I thought of some of the books I could have purchased and chose not too, however, I could not get this incessant little title/designation out of my mind: liberal fundamentalism... I think I've stopped liking Tripp over it actually; after all, he's a Baptist, so I am entitled to dislike him, right? God doesn't even like the Baptist, does he? I jest!

Obviously, I was searching for books that interested me and I wasn't obligated to throw one in the mix that didn't necessarily ring my bell. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. But, in retrospect, this little experience has helped me understand what Tripp was saying and ashamedly, I have to admit that I think I've fallen prey to fundamentalism once again. Because as much as I would like to relegate my behavior and attitude to a single experience during a used book sale, I have to acknowledge that my actions and thinking here are very fundamental to how I view religion--and even God these days.   

My propensity towards fundamentalism is so evident by how I selected some authors while so flippantly discarding others, based solely upon whether or not I thought the author was contemporary or progressive enough. If I knew the author to have some conservative leanings, I would quickly discard them without giving them a second thought. And, I am ashamed to say it, but this was my sole criterion. In so doing, I was showing my own ignorance and willingness to tolerate discrimination in myself, all the while completely disdaining it in others. In the process, I realize that in many respects, I've been building the exact same walls of separation that I've criticized others for. It makes me think of that menacing little statement in the book of Galatians:"...if I build up again the very things that I once tore down, then I demonstrate that I am a transgressor." (2:18; NRSV)

I just assumed that I was rather insulated from having a closed mind, being liberal and all. Some how along the way, I began to postulate that liberalism was the very antidote to intolerance. Obviously, this is not the case; being progressive or liberal minded does not automatically translate into tolerance or being more open-minded. In fact, there are some areas where I am more closed minded and intolerant than many of my conservative counterparts. It hurts to make this admission, but it is nonetheless true. 

This has been a stark admission for me. I've found that I have built many of the same walls that I thought I had destroyed in my enlightenment. I'm not exactly sure that I have not become worse, because I have cut myself off from a huge portion of religious people, being unwilling or incapable of receiving anything of value from them, simply because I deem them to be too rigid. I know that I would feel uncomfortable worshiping with these people, just as they would be cautious around me. Notice that I designate them as these people, not sisters and brothers in Christ who happen to see things differently than I do. It's a subtle distinction, but an insidious one.

In the end, there is no doubt that I am going to have to fully address and change this in my life. Regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me, I am grateful that God has opened my eyes to this. I do not want to be cut off from any of my siblings in the faith. I don't want to miss something of value simply because I am too concentrated on the packaging or label.

Paul deals with this very thing while writing to the Roman church about the act of eating meat that had been sacrificed to idols and observing certain days above others. (ch. 14). Essentially, Paul is telling us not to construct walls of separation because of our thinking on non-essential issues: whether or not we approve of this or that. 

Binary thinking can be dangerous, regardless of its position on a particular continuum. Our "either/or" mentalities can shut people out, hurt them, and hurt ourselves because we are allowing division and walls between ourselves that God doesn't want there. In fact, the cross stands in direct opposition to such thinking. Our faith is designed to bridge the gap between us and God as well as between conservatives and liberals, those who eat meat and those who do not, etc etc. 

I don't want to continue the same prejudices and intolerance that I once knew. I want to be open to receive and fellowship with all of God's people, regardless of whether or not I agree with them on everything. I wonder how many books and authors I arrogantly discarded who might have broadened my understanding of God and deepened my faith? I do not want to be a fundamentalist anymore, regardless of the variety!

An Update and Ordinary Time

I just noticed that it's been around 18 days since I last posted. Obviously, I intend on posting more frequently, but things have  really been hectic. Since my last contribution, we've had family visiting from out of state, my father had a mild aneurysm and subsequent heart surgery, and there's been an escalation in the Worker's Compensation case that I am currently involved in. The only one of these that was planned or foreseen was the visit from family. The other two kind of took me by surprise. 

The visit from family (my wife's parents who live in Illinois) was very pleasant. The occasion for their visit was Jaedyn and Emma's birthdays (belated: they couldn't come until a week after their actual birthdays): born respectively on April 15 & 17. We had a wonderful time together and my daughters enjoyed having their grandparents here to celebrate their special days. It was an extra special milestone for Emma, who finally became a teenager. She seems to think it's taken forever while the rest of us adults kind of scratched our head wondering how this could have possibly happened so quickly! I've been a father for 24 years now and it just doesn't get any easier to watch them grow up! It happens so fast! 

My father is in his early 70's and he's spent the better part of the last 4 years or so caring for my step-mother. She's quite a bit older than he is and her health has been deteriorating over the last five years or so. Dad has faithfully taken care of her the best he could but it finally got a bit too much for him. He had to put her in a nursing home and a few days later he has a heart attack and ends up in the hospital himself undergoing multiple heart by-passes and having a couple of his heart valves repaired. Dad is a man of faith and thankfully God took care of him during this time. The doctor's expect him to make a full recovery and I'd suspect he'll be back to landscaping and cutting grass in no time. Since he retired from an oil company in New Bern, NC, he's kept himself busy with a little landscaping business. He loves to do it and I hope he can continue to do it for a long time to come.

Some of you may know that I suffered an on the job injury back in February of 2010. I fell through a hole on a mezzanine that I didn't know was there until it was too late. Incidentally, it happened to be a church we were building. It wasn't good because I already have rods and screws in my spine due to an injury that occurred back in 1999. Because of that injury my employer's insurance denied my claim and I've been battling it out with them basically since June of 2010 when I received the official denial. My employer promptly laid me off and its been a rough time for us ever since. Throughout the later end of April my attorney informed me that I have a mediation on the 13th of May and so I've been having to fill out allot of paperwork and meeting with the attorney in preparations for the hearing. 

For those of you who have had the patience to read this personal post this far, I do solicit your prayers: both for my father's continued recovery and for God's will to be done in this legal situation. Obviously I feel like I'm entitled to compensation. I've not been able to work since July of last year and it has been a huge financial burden for my family. Thankfully, God has given my wife a wonderful job with amazing benefits during this time. He really has taken care of us and showed his faithfulness, even in times when I didn't feel like I deserved it in the least. I'm not expecting a huge settlement; I just want a reasonable one for the suffering I've endured and loss of wages from the inability to work during this time. There's very little that can be done medically and my medical expenses have been minimal during this time. So just pray that God's will be done here and that I will be content regardless.


As I was debating writing this post about some of these personal issues, I began to reflect upon the liturgical seasons. We've experienced Lent, gazed upon the Cross, and celebrated the Resurrection. Soon we'll remember Pentecost and the birth of the Church by the power of the Holy Spirit. Then, we'll embark upon that time of our liturgical calendar known as "Ordinary time." Ordinary here doesn't mean that its not important or that its usual or non-eventful, but simply that it is not seasonal. One writer said this about it: "the Church [during Ordinary time] celebrates the mystery of Christ not in one specific aspect but in all its aspects."

While we are still celebrating the seasons liturgically, en-route to Pentecost, I sort of feel like I am already in this ordinary time. I am experiencing God in all the little areas: needing him in hospital rooms and legal proceedings, in the everyday happenings of my life right now. And everything that I know about him tells me that he's faithful, steady, someone that I can trust to know exactly where I am at any given moment and to know what I need, even when I don't. I don't have all the answers for tomorrow. I wish I did. But thankfully, I know who does. And in the days and weeks ahead, I know that he will be with me through it all. 

Thanks be to God!

Lent Reflection 3: Coffee and Morning Prayer

This Lent season has truly been a journey for me so far. It has been a time of reflection; a time of taking stock of my life and faith. I must admit, that I have been somewhat troubled by what I see. While I am happy to report that my faith is intact and that I believe in God today in a way I couldn't admit several years ago. I also see that there are so many areas of my life that can use some rearranging. There are some priorities that I am ashamed to admit, have long been neglected and put on the back burner.

Some of this reflection has been stirring for quite some time now. Long before Lent began, I was feeling a certain conviction that I was not used too. A Facebook friend of mine, some time ago, began to post every morning, usually first thing, that he was having coffee and morning prayer. And every time I read this, I thought, "well, I've got the coffee down, but the prayer thing, not so much."

My faith, for years now, has been an intellectual pursuit. I'm not saying that I've not been a Christian, but at best, I've been a reluctant disciple. In some ways, this has been a defense mechanism in me. It's not that I haven't ever experienced God in prayer and devotion; in fact, it is the exact opposite. I have been there. There was a time when my faith was entirely mystical, but it was in that time of my life when I found myself thrust into a crisis of faith that left me empty and wanting for a better understanding of God and what he wanted from me. 

Living with Questions: the Virtues of Not Knowing

Wow! It has been allot longer than I had planned since my last update to this site. I've got a few other blogs and I've decided to migrate most of them over to this one and use this blog entirely for all of my interest. But, man, I have sure been lazy in getting this effort up and off the ground. Thankfully, there are not many of you that know of this site, so I've not left many readers disappointed. 

It is time, however, to go ahead and get the ball rolling. So, here's the first installment of what I hope will be many post relating to matters of faith, scripture, politics, as well as many other intellectual pursuits that I have. 

My early faith tradition did not assign any real value, beyond a mere historical one, to the portion of the Catholic bible known as the Apocrypha. Obviously, there are many many Christians today who put as much value on these scriptures as they do to any other portion of the Hebrew bible. But, the tradition that I was raised in, to their own detriment, in my opinion, did not see the apocryphal scriptures as being equal to or even a valid part of a Christian canon. 


As a result, I came to these scriptures much later in life and it has only been recently that I've spent any quality time perusing these texts. This mission of discovery, or recovery mission, if you will, has led me to some valuable finds and I am sorry it has taken me this long to realize that these scriptures are there and that they have much to say, in tandem with, the scriptures that have come to mean allot to me over the years.

I've recently picked up the late James Agee's Pulitzer Prize winning novel, A Death in the Family. Early on in this novel, there is comical exchange around the breakfast table between Mary Follet and her young children, Rufus and little Catherine. Mommy is trying to explain to her children that their paternal grandfather is very sick and might die, and the kids are wrestling with the big ideas of heaven and what death means. This little mundane exchange of ideas captures the essence of the multitude of questions that children have asked over time, and the many ways that adults have answered these questions in an ongoing effort to help them understand these very complex ideas:

"Mama," Rufus said, "when Oliver went to sleep did he wake up in heaven too?"
"I don't know. I imagine he woke up in a part of heaven God keeps specially for cats."
"Did the rabbits wake up?"
"I'm sure they did if Oliver did."
"All bloody like they were?"
"No, Rufus, that was only their poor little bodies. God wouldn't let them wake up all hurt and bloody, poor things."
"Why did God let the dogs in?" [evidently, the dogs were guilty of hurting the rabbits]
"We don't know, Rufus, but it must be part of His plan we will understand someday."
"What good would it do Him?"[...]"What good would it do Him, Mama, to let the dogs in?"
"I don't know, but someday we'll understand, Rufus. If we're very patient. We mustn't trouble ourselves with these things we can't understand. We just have to be sure that God knows best."
"I bet they sneaked in when He wasn't looking," Rufus said eagerly. "Cause He sure wouldn't have let them if He'd been there. Didn't they, Mama? Didn't they?" [p. 60]